I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive [entries|friends|calendar] "brown eyed girl" [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[ Friday on the 13th ♥] its a friday night. nothing to do. my eleven yr old sister has plans. and i dont. i wish i ad friends. i wish i was allowed to have had friends for the last 5 months of my life. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything

[ Thursday on the 12th ♥] sometimes people never return your phone calls. it causes discouragemnt. it causes seperation. it just causes. i think i will be living waiting for my phone call. school is so weird. we have to wear id things everywhere i feel like i get my education in a prison. the people there are on drugs. and the ones who dont just act as if they do. i dont have a group still. i dont have a best friend. i dont have a boyfriend. sometimes i do feel as if my life is worthless. but you know, it all will work out right? yeah. i know someone reading this is glad to be informed of my unhappiness but the thing is is that your pathetic for reading someone you dont likes journal. the shower has been running for 30 minutes now. i guess its time to jump in. ive never taken things lightly or well. "You were my sunrays Without you boy there was no days Never dreamt to speak the phrase But what the fuck just happened You were the heart I owned The beat just like a metronome Can't breathe my heart is gone Now what the fuck just happened" hope everyone is great. best wishes God help me.

[ Monday on the 2nd ♥] well for starters happy new years! myne has been pretty fab. on new years, i went to a party with josh. saw alot of people and then we went home to watch the ball drop together. he is the best boy ever ever ever. today i am officially 17. the only thing that sucks is i am under the weather. ewww. zaina came over. josh came over this morning with flowers. i got my mommy a small gift since without her i would not be here. i heard from people via phone and email. i was quite surprised, actually. but i am going to go. probably throw up or die. luvluvluvluv

[ Saturday on the 31st ♥] [ mood | content ] so i guess not too many people update that are on my friends list. i guess i am not even really friends with them anyhow. but psh. so nothing is up. its new years eve. and i want tonight to be perfecto. i want to have fun to my standards and joshs. i wish we could go out and i not have ot worry about not fitting in or having the right thing to wear. but oh well. thats life.

[ Thursday on the 29th ♥] [ mood | happy ] yay! i have internet. its nice to be able to access the internet from my own home. especially on my new laptop. everything is great. life has been nothing but glorious. ever since i moved into my house everything has almost fallen into place. lately zaina and i have been hanging out and she is probably one of the best friends i have ever had. cookie lives about amile away and we hang out almost as much as me and zaina do. which is still nto as often as i am with josh. i love that boy so oh oh oh much. my familia is wonderful. i went home to ohio for a few days and saw all of my relatives on my dads side. they were great. and i just know that i am so thankful for this past year. it has taught me so much and i am anxious for new years. well i dont want to make this lengthy. love love love love love amanda read (2) comment

[ Monday on the 14th ♥] so i ended up here again. i am excited with school. i am getting out of ap and working hard to reach my all a's goal. my mom is out of town and i think this is the break she needs. i think that things bsway with the wind. to get a good thing in life you have to lose something too. i am now friends with brittany again. i never want to fight with her again. i just want to be honest. life is just getting scary. because today josh and i officially are through. i guess this will make some people happy.for alot of reasons it has happened. i am aching inside. i always said it would be fine but really it isnt. i love him still. and i probably always will. hes my first love. i need cookie. to pick me up. and dust me off. wipe my tears. like always ♥ amanda read (3) comment

sometimes life sucks [ Tuesday on the 18th ♥] [ mood | happy ] other times it rocks so its late at night and here i am wwiting in my journal. i have somehow managed to tap into an old browser here at the townhouse so i can contact the internet from home now! haha. i guess i am not up to much. trying to find something to wear for school tomoro, and waiting for josh to call me. i feel like joshs and my relationship is really growing at the points where i think we should give up he surprises me and turns it all around. altho i dont want to be so relient he is so much of my life right now and i love him. since i got the internet access now i have been looking at things like old pictures and webshot profiles from last year. and it made me think of good and bad times. it reminded me of alot of the reasons i avoid people at school. hehe. which draws me to this conclusion. i hae been debating it awhile now. i am not going to homecoming. so everyone can cheer lmao. i dont care. but i think josh and i should do something more meaningful than dance around in a school that treats us like prisoners for some money that could be better spent, with makeup and dresses and the fake attitudes that high school brings about. lately i made up with a few people who use to mean alot to me and i want to become friends again. so i am excited for the future. report cards soon. i didnt get all a's i got a C in AP english ♥ comment

and fuck all of you fakers [ Sunday on the 9th ♥] life never fails to surprise me read (3) comment

right here, is where i am [ Wednesday on the 14th ♥] [ mood | refreshed ] so this year is going speedy but not as quite fast as i predicted, which actually comforts me due to my enticing fear of growing the fuck up. everything seems to be smoother. i mean as smooth as it can be ont he road of life. there are always a few bumps along the way but if you know how to handle it properly and when to break and gas and such it will work out. we were issued progress reports recently. i hope to get all A's. i am really trying. and the psats are on october the 12th. i encourage all juniors to take it. its only 11 dollars. i have been working with social skills and being the person i say i am and aim to be. i have been keeping a lot of secrets lately and have been getting a wider perspective and better outlook. i know now that i am just the type of girl who doesnt do revenge rather lets karma figure things out. there is not much to say. i have homework and errands to run. hope all is well ♥ comment

newburyport is the shit [ Friday on the 2nd ♥] [ mood | content ] why do people try to get off an airplane when it first reaches its destinantion port?  I mean, obviously its just going to cause complication and no one will be getting off any sooner...?  I guess i only wonder this b/c i have never been one of those people.  now if this makes a difference in a higher, more important light, i dont really know but whatever.  The only reason a thought like this would cross my mind is due to the fact that just recently i took flight on an airplane.  three and a half hours of flying high in the air.  I definately had free time to think about things. Well for starters, i had time to evaluate my life. How i live it and who lives it with me. Since the beginning of summer until now i havent lied. i have been honest to a fault. and if i did lie it was on accident and i corrected it. I want to say this feels good.  But the truth is that i've been in more binds honest than when i was a liar. heh. yes, i did lie. or i didnt care enough about anything.  i have been trying to find myself which is hard to do at 16, such a fucking insecure age might i add and no one has helped. At ATLANTIC HIGH SCHOOL there is not one person i fully trust as a friend. and anyone i thought i could trust has fell through. Making me feel like i have the worst judgement on people that i always thought i had the best on. Since freshmen year i have been through many groups of people. I guess i can say that i was desperate for a niche, i wanted a group of friends. i wanted a best friend ever since juanita stopped being that person for me. I found out that everyone is the same, and thats probably why i try so hard to be different.  Every single person i met or befriended despite better judgement at time, had faults, insecurities, lies, secrets. And those are things i never wanted to relinquish to the outside world when we had our falling out. My feelings have been hurt alot. i have been in fear. I have felt alone, i am alone for goodness sakes. I dont have friends. i only have accquatances.  Now my question is how come everyone else can say something. they can say whatever they want but when amanda mistretta says anything relatively out there then i get shit for it? there are alot of people i wish would stay out of my life. or stop staring at me in the halls or shit talking because i hear you from my ears or someone else's but the truth is is i wish i just didnt have problems.i have kept to myself all summer and for this year i have tried to keep distance so people could get over themselves but nothing works. i cant please anyone. i wish that i could listen to hollaback girl and not be reminded of a false friendship. everyone i have known has blamed me for something. hoenstly. does it make you feel good? if you dont care about me so much then why do you make it a point to do things to hurt me? why do you make up lies, and say i call when i didnt and i will tkae that one til when ever i forget about you. why do you say that its my fault he doesnt want to be your friend? why to you stare at me in the halls and tell people you hate me when i sayd one comment directed towards a whole population? and why do you dislike me for deleting numbers out of your phone when it wasnt me it was anya? i have been nice to all of these people. i havent shit talked them or told their secrets or started a fight or threatened them and i still get the short end of the stick? i have given up on people in general i have given up on you, and you and you and you and anyone who is reading this that i know wont comment unless i put your names and then they will be nasty comments. but if you honestly have a problem with me then please just tell me not the other people. i know that life isnt fair, i just wish sometimes it was fair.   oh and this one is for alex mumford i dont know why  you dont like me or why repeated people approach me saying they heard things about me from you? i dont get it i dont say mean things about you. if anything i am afraid of you. at the firedrill i sayd hey and after you said i was rude. so the other day i didnt say anything to you i didnt even look because i am now figuring that anything i do will just get you huffy. if you have something to say then approach me but i dont know what i did to you. and why does helen say amanda and engin thing...because there has never and never will be anything like that with engin so if you think that not that you care then you dont know about me. so my conclusion is that i want to be happy and if i have to just not grow attached to anyone than thats the trick. oh and i am not as fake as they come because i dont hide shit.   without respect read (21) comment

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